In this high stress, super hurried, and overly political world, it seems everyone is suffering from “indefinite deference”.
You have probably never heard of that before….mostly because I just made it up.
But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a real thing. In fact, it is the MOST real thing in millions of people’s lives right now. So what is indefinite deference?
It means putting things off forever. That sounds a little extreme since “forever” is a mighty powerful word, but that is where the meaning lies.
Still confused? Allow me to explain.
How Indefinite Deference Is Ruining Our World
Everyday millions of people get out of bed with the best of intentions. Today I will lose weight. Today I will ask for that promotion. Today I will spend more quality time with my children.
But how many people actually take action and follow through on those intentions? Okay, so some people actually do, but what about the HUGE percentage of people who don’t? How does that affect those lives today, next week, even twenty years from now?
According to Psychological Science, “…people who procrastinate have higher levels of stress and lower well-being”, “Why Wait? The Science Behind Procrastination” by Eric Jaffe. I bet that is not news to you, right? Everyone knows that putting things off usually leads to bad consequences somewhere down the line. We also know those who appear to “have it together” look happier than those who don’t.
But indefinite deference has brought about a whole new realm of unhappiness. We could argue the many reasons individuals and families are stressed and tired and ultimately unhappy, but that is for another article.
We have become a society of putter offers. We put things off because we don’t have time, or we are tired, or because we have to rest our brain for at least five minutes before our brain blows out the top of our head. (Oh, is that just me?) Rules and regulations at most jobs have become overwhelming and the rules and regulations for our personal lives seems to have ramped up as well. This leads to brains that never get to shut down and as we leave a few things done each day, the stack of things left to do grows exponentially.
I am as guilty as anyone else. I often have a to do list that has only a fraction of the items marked off at the end of the day. But things get in the way such as unexpected events at work, soccer practice, dinner, homework, leaky faucets, errands, etc. The list could go on for days and still not cover everything that comes up.
This leads to what I call future thinking. Some time in the future I will be happy.
- When I get that raise I will be happy.
- When I have a baby I will be happy.
- When I buy a house I will be happy.
- When I get to travel I will be happy.
- When I get to retire I will be happy.
When I die I will be happy. YIKES!!!
- When I _________ I will be happy.
(You can fill in the blank.)
You see where this is going? Indefinite deference. Always pushing our happiness to some distance time in the future. Why is it that total, true happiness never seems to arrive with said event?
Instead, we always seem to set a new date for our future happiness.
As long as we think that way, allowing our emotions to be controlled by outside sources and events, then we will never be happy. This is because happiness comes from the inside, not out.
Now, you may be sitting there right now feeling self righteous because you think this does not apply to you. Neither did I – until my father pointed it out one day. I was going on about some insignificant thing that was in the way of my life being desirable and he said, “Angela, you are going to wish your life away.” I argued with him at the time and vehemently denied that I was doing such a thing. But later I reflected on our conversation and realize that was EXACTLY what I was doing.
In this day of rising minimalism, I totally agree that we should all learn how to say “no” and have fewer commitments on our plates. We should definitely scale back our possessions, our responsibilities (if possible), and our stress. But there are a few things we should never neglect and sometime it helps to prioritize these things to help us get a better perspective in life.
In fact, I think indefinite deference is a great thing for most of the busyness in our lives. The key, I believe, is picking the things that should never be deferred and then not worrying about the rest.
For instance, some people turn around one day and find it’s time to retire, but they have neglected to build a retirement fund. Even worse is when the children grow up and move away and you suddenly realize you never made that quality time for them. Indefinite deference can sneak up on you faster than you think.
Four Things You Should Never Defer (a.k.a. THE ANSWER TO HAPPINESS)
- Retirement & Savings
- Health & Well-Being
- Time With Loved Ones
- Permission To Be Happy Each Day
Deferring these four areas can all have grave consequences, especially down the road. In fact, if you take care of these four things, the rest of your life will more or less take care of itself. So it makes sense to put all of your energy here.
If an item on your to do list doesn’t tick one of these four boxes, then let it go. But NEVER defer these areas in your life and you will have the recipe for a happy, prosperous life.
In the words of the simplistically wise Winnie the Pooh, “I am not lost, for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.”
We should all give ourselves permission to be happy. Right now. This very second. Go ahead. I give you permission too.
I have a confession to make.
I am a perfectionist.
Let me clarify – I feel like all things around me need to be perfect all the time. Or at least I did.
As the only child of a mother who cleaned everything with a toothbrush, I learned the way to happiness is for everything to be perfect. And by perfect I mean clean, well organized, and well…..perfect.
The two of us saw eye to eye on this lifestyle choice. Floors were always clean. Drawers were organized. The frig was always wiped down, inside and out.
Then my father would come home.
He should have had a mug that read “World’s Biggest Slob”.
My dad was the king of misplaced items, disorganization, and borderline hoarding. He was also happy with his lifestyle choice.
I listened to years of arguments over cabinet doors being left open (my mom often hit her head on them) and dirty clothes being left in the floor.
So what is the point here?
Mainly this: Life CANNOT be perfect.
That’s just how it is.
The universe was not designed to be perfect. It was designed to be functional and productive and beautiful.
And so are we. Let me say that in a straightforward way. We were designed to be functional and productive and beautiful.
Minimalism can bring you a little closer to perfection in life, but never quite on target. Because we were never meant to be that.
And some of us live years (or our whole lives) trying to attain perfection in our lives in all ways while thinking we will be happy when we get there.
But the fact is we will NEVER GET THERE.
I had to tell myself that, just like I am telling you right now.
So tonight when my husband helps with dinner but doesn’t clean up behind himself, and my kids unpack their backpacks on the kitchen table and leave a stray item there when it’s time to eat, and my dogs dig in the yard before pouncing across my white duvet – I will choose to appreciate that I have a husband and kids and dogs instead of sweating the small stuff.
After all, my life will never be perfect, but it will always be happy. Because I choose for it to be so. And I find perfection in that alone.
In my mind there have always been two types of people: minivan drivers and non-minivan drivers.
Please don’t misunderstand me here. Some of my best friends drive minivans. And they love them. And I love those friends.
I, on the other hand, somehow got it in my mind over the years that a minivan equaled a life without excitement and a lack of self image (cough, cough….others thinking you were uncool.)
You see, we are all conditioned to have certain preconceived notions. This is no one’s fault, really. It just comes with growing up and living in a household, community and culture. And in many ways it is a good thing. It helps us find and bond with kindred spirits (i.e. friends and soul mates) with whom we have things in common. These are the people who you often feel most comfortable with.
But on the flip side of that, it also causes biases that don’t often serve us well in life. And it definitely doesn’t help us be a good minimalist.
Sometimes we have difficulty moving from one phase of our life to the next and that holds us back from cleaning the clutter from our lives. For example, I held on to clothes from my 20’s and later from my 30’s because I still saw myself as the cool, hip girl. Never mind the fact that I was no longer actually wearing most of them. Because (a) they were still in my possession, and (b) I MIGHT wear them SOMEDAY.
Would it surprise you to learn that never happened?
Me neither, looking back at it now.
But there are three things about this type of situation that seem to always hold us back, no matter how long we have been a minimalist:
- Holding on to memories. Lots of people have garages or attics full of memories, and let me tell you those memories can take up a gigantic amount of space. Now, I never advocate for getting rid of sentimental items that you can never replace (or that you actually use). I am talking about sports equipment for sports you no longer like. Or old furniture that you know will never be used again. If you don’t use it, lose it. You can always take a picture that will last forever. Maybe you enjoyed that certain activity in college but if that is not you anymore, then it is okay to move those items out of your life. Make a scrapbook with pictures of these items and send them on to someone who can and will use them.
- Fearing the next stage. This is definitely where I landed with the minivan. I still thought of myself as the snazzy dresser who attended interesting cultural events and saw the hottest bands in concert. (How would it look if I pulled up to see Foo Fighters in a minivan?) If I wasn’t that cool and happening person anymore, then who was I? Can you say identify crises?
- Caring what other people think. This holds most people back in all aspects in life, sometimes without us even realizing it. This was definitely happening to me. But one day something happened and I suddenly JUST DID NOT CARE ANYMORE. It suddenly made more sense for everyone to travel in comfort than for me to look “cool” – whatever that even means.
So the day we purchased a minivan I knew it was the right choice. I then used it to haul multiple loads of extra stuff away from my house and to a place where others could benefit from it. I hate to admit it, but this included some clothing and other items from my “cool” days.
How To See the Light
You see, we are all constantly changing and becoming a better version of ourselves, and with this wisdom comes a few points that we all need reminding of sometimes:
- It’s okay to evolve as a person.
- People who love you will still love you.
- People who don’t like you will still not like you.
- There’s no need to impress strangers (or your neighbors, your college ex-roommate, etc.)
And yes, buying a minivan added another vehicle to our driveway, but that is okay because it simplified our lives in other ways. It is now our go to vehicle for trips of any length, and therefore, stays loaded with most items we will need. It also carries all sports equipment and lawn chairs for practices, among other things.
It saves us so much time in planning and physically loading (and unloading) items that it was well worth the purchase.
And looking back now, I can see where our lives could have been much simpler for several years now if I had made the right decision – although my hubby was my partner in crime on that one.
So when working to simplify your life, make sure you look at what serves you best and gives you the most joyful life possible – regardless of what your ego says about your self image.
A few years ago I realized I had a BIG problem.
I was at the beach with my family, and as always, I was looking for something exciting to do. You know, I wanted to tour some historical location or find some quaint little antique shop to peruse or maybe look for an amusement park….anything besides sitting aimlessly on the beach staring out into the horizon for hours. I couldn’t imagine just sitting there being unproductive for a whole day. My brain was relentlessly going over all the reasons that would be a waste of time, boring, and generally NOT fun…….when it hit me.
I had become one of THOSE people!
Somehow I had lost the ability to feel happy and content in silence and tranquility, but instead needed constant entertainment and input. And even worse, I felt like this type of down time was unproductive and wasteful. Now, this truly sneaked up on me because I have always been the type to put down my phone and turn off other electronics. I consciously revel in my alone time.
So I was completely overwhelmed when I realized I lost the ability to enjoy the simplest joys in life – quiet, uncomplicated time that allowed my body and brain to completely rest.
After all, there are many ways to fill our minds and time, right?
Consider this quote from Psychology Today titled “Flooding Your Brain’s Engine: How You Can Have Too Much of a Good Thing” by Joanne Cantor, Ph.D:
“According to a recent international poll by LexisNexis, workers around the world are increasingly overwhelmed by the amount of information they have to manage, and information overload is widely seen as a growing threat to workplace productivity.”
So here’s the problem: We live in a world of constant input. We have gone from a slower, more natural pace of life that evolved around the seasons and agriculture to a life that is always switched on.
Many elements of our modern life have contributed to this shift, but here are the main offenders:
- the Internet
- 24 hour television stations
- 24 hour stores
I remember when I was young (which wasn’t THAT long ago) and most stores closed on Sundays….or at least kept shorter hours. In fact, I actually remember when Wal-Mart used to close. Sounds strange now, doesn’t it? (What I can’t get dog treats after 10:00 pm????)
We are used to getting what we want, when we want it. This has caused our addiction to instant gratification. No one has to actually wait for anything now.
Want to watch a movie? Boom……it takes than less than a minute to find it on Netflix or Amazon Prime. How about reading a new book? Download it in about 30 seconds on your Kindle. Or music. No wonder we are all so spoiled and entitled.
And with this comes the need to be the coolest, hippest person in any room. So you try to ready EVERY new best seller-book, and watch EVERY discussion-worthy movie, try EVERY fashionable new recipe, and try to fit in EVERY attraction on vacation so you don’t feel like you are missing something….etc, etc., etc……
Which leads me to the next problem……
How and When to Turn Off the Noise
Let’s be honest. The world of constant input has become our “normal” now. Even those of us young enough to remember a slower life are now acclimated to the constant barrage of information that is currently our world.
So when should we turn it off?
Every chance we get!
I used to mindlessly come home and immediately turn on the television or radio for “background” noise. But why? Because that was my normal. Is that your normal, too?
Here are some ways to cut out some of the noise in your life and also find ways to do nothing and rest your brain.
- Place a small fountain in your living/family room and use it instead of turning on television/music.
- Open windows and listen to the sounds of nature.
- Turn on low, calming music such as classical or slow jazz (instead of other music).
- Sit on your front porch with a cup of tea or coffee (we installed an outdoor fan so we could do this more often).
- Sit outside at night and watch the stars.
- Go on vacation and purposefully plan time to do nothing except sit on the balcony.
- Don’t put a television or radio in your camper.
- Turn off the radio in your vehicle and just listen to the lulling sounds of the road.
Science has proved that resting our minds and bodies gains more productivity in the long run, so there is your excuse to try all of the above.
How To Find the Joy in Doing Nothing
Okay, you now have a list of ways to do nothing, but how do you learn to enjoy it (instead of constantly thinking about things you could or should be doing)?
This one is simple: Give yourself permission to do so.
It is amazing how simply and easily this works. When I told myself it was perfect and natural to want to some down time and it didn’t matter if I didn’t see every attraction while on vacation, my trip immediately got better. The pressure was off and my time was now mine. I was in complete control of my vacation and no longer felt the urge to cover as much ground as possible while on vacation lest my time and energy be ill spent.
It was so liberating that I wondered why I hadn’t given myself this gift before then. But I guess it all boils down to sometimes not seeing the simplest solutions for our lives.
When we talk about minimalism and removing the clutter from our lives, we can easily forget about the things we can’t see. Giving yourself this permission is also giving yourself love on the most basic level.
And love is like money, you need to give to yourself first. When you love yourself, you have abundant love to give to others.