Why do men lie? Some of us of the female persuasion have pondered that question over and over again.
Ask any man and they probably will give you some answer like, “because they can” or some other evasive answer.
But here’s the thing: Not all men DO lie.
I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but it IS possible for a person to have a Y chromosome and yet only open their mouths to speak the truth. (Please don’t faint!)
How do I know? I am married to a guy who doesn’t lie.
Now, before you start feeling sorry for me for being so naive, let me clear a couple things up.
1. We ALL tell the occasional white lie, so technically we are all liars.
2. Having a guy who has lied to you about things doesn’t have to lead to a break up or a divorce.
Now, back to my wonderful husband.
Both my husband and I were married before we met each other. We both had spouses who were unfaithful to us and lied about various things. Most of us know how that feels, right?
(If you don’t, then you are very fortunate.)
My husband and I are attached at the hip. Ask anyone who knows us personally. He checks in with me constantly, so I know where he is almost every moment of every day. He dedicates his time and energy to me and our children. (I also do those things, by the way.) And it is impossible to married to someone for over fifteen years and not know if they were lying about some big things.
White lies excluded, of course. (I don’t REALLY want to know if my butt looks big! Blissful denial is much better.)
So what makes some guys walk the straight and narrow while some guys lie their butts off?
There are many factors that shape each individual, but there are some universal factors.
So Why Do Men Lie?
1. Role Models
Who did your partner grow up around? Who were his role models? Little boys later grow up to emulate the men they look up to. It shapes what they think a man is supposed to be.
My first husband grew up in a family of alpha males who all thought promiscuity was a proof of masculinity. The more they could get away with the better. (The more conquests the better too.) Lies and deceit were a way of life in his family and he picked up the same traits since these were his role models.
He learned, and he learned well.
If the adults in your life (to some extent this also includes the females) teach you that it’s okay to lie, then you grow up believing it.
But he was miserable because of it. It ruined his relationships time and time again.
My current husband was raised in a totally different environment. His father was very family oriented. He was a man of integrity, honor, and honesty. My husband learned the definition of a man was someone who took care of his wife and children.
Part of taking care of them was always being honest with them in every way. He was raised to do nothing (and have nothing) to hide.
2. Past Experience
How was your guy treated by other women in his life? Were his sisters/cousins/aunts/friends nice to him? Did they treat him with respect or did they treat him badly? If you guy had a really bad relationship in his past where he was mistreated, then he will be less likely to trust you, And if he doesn’t trust you he’s more likely to lie to you and/or not tell you everything.
3. Attitude Toward Women
This ties in with “past experience” in many ways. Bad women create bad attitudes toward the lot of us.
Did he have a mother or female figure that was a positive influence on his life when he was young? The absence of that maternal figure can be difficult on a young boy, but having a negative female influence can be even worse. If they were mistreated as a child (or even teenager) they may have gotten the message that females are not to be trusted. Maybe they think women are deceitful so they are returning the favor, or maybe even keeping the upper hand so they won’t get hurt.
We live in a society that likes to place blame on everyone for everything.
However, I tend to look at it a different way. I believe people do whatever they have to in order to survive in this world. They have to protect themselves both physically and emotionally.
When you take this stance, it is much easier to forgive people for being human. It also makes your world a better place.
For example, the cashier who is unfriendly to you may be having a bad day and doing her best not to break down in tears.
This also applies to our guys (even if they are big and tough). Everyone has a specific set of experiences that shape how we react to events in our lives.
A man may cheat due to his low self-esteem. (It can also be because his inability to show vulnerability to you leaves him always feeling lonely and/or misunderstood.) Because he doesn’t understand how to change the way he relates to you, he falls into cheating…which leads to lying. It’s a vicious cycle.
However, this is the only way he knows to survive emotionally.
A large number of men live with more fear than they ever show outwardly. They don’t want anyone to know they have low self-esteem, or that they aren’t the strong hunk of masculinity they project.
How to overcome these problems?
1. Always Be Honest Yourself
Prove to him that you are worth his trust and respect.
2. Make Him Feel Secure In His Place With You
Never treat him badly, call him names or do anything to dissolve his self esB
3. Use Outside Resources To Build a Deeper Bond With Each Other
One good resource is 1000 Questions For Couples, which gives you a guide to learn about each other in a non-threatening way. It builds a closer relationship so you can feel safer about being honest with each other. When he learns to open up to you and truly trust you, then you will become the counterpart that cannot live without.
He will attach to you in a way that is unbreakable. And what girl doesn’t want that?
Another good resource is called 50 Secrets Of Blissful Relationships. This ebook gives you the framework you need to take the fear out of your man so he will be able to talk honestly with you.
I can’t state this enough. The amount of intimacy you have will determine whether you can break his habit of lying to you. By intimacy, I don’t just mean between the sheets. Most intimacy exists outside of the bedroom. It starts and ends in the brain, mostly with your emotions.
Any habit can be broken if you understand how to attack it. Sit down and have an honest conversation with your man about how you feel. If he cares about you, then he will listen. If you state your case well enough, then he should be able to talk to you about it and develop a plan to change his ways. Make him understand how it affects you and your relationship in general.
One word of caution: Not every man will be willing to change.
Some men are not willing to change their ways and that puts you in a difficult situation. Are you willing to stay with a man who lies to you? That’s a choice you have to make for yourself.
For another great way to bring you closer, please visit 30 Days of Gratitude. It’s free and it works!