In this high stress, super hurried, and overly political world, it seems everyone is suffering from “indefinite deference”.
You have probably never heard of that before….mostly because I just made it up.
But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a real thing. In fact, it is the MOST real thing in millions of people’s lives right now. So what is indefinite deference?
It means putting things off forever. That sounds a little extreme since “forever” is a mighty powerful word, but that is where the meaning lies.
Still confused? Allow me to explain.
How Indefinite Deference Is Ruining Our World
Everyday millions of people get out of bed with the best of intentions. Today I will lose weight. Today I will ask for that promotion. Today I will spend more quality time with my children.
But how many people actually take action and follow through on those intentions? Okay, so some people actually do, but what about the HUGE percentage of people who don’t? How does that affect those lives today, next week, even twenty years from now?
According to Psychological Science, “…people who procrastinate have higher levels of stress and lower well-being”, “Why Wait? The Science Behind Procrastination” by Eric Jaffe. I bet that is not news to you, right? Everyone knows that putting things off usually leads to bad consequences somewhere down the line. We also know those who appear to “have it together” look happier than those who don’t.
But indefinite deference has brought about a whole new realm of unhappiness. We could argue the many reasons individuals and families are stressed and tired and ultimately unhappy, but that is for another article.
We have become a society of putter offers. We put things off because we don’t have time, or we are tired, or because we have to rest our brain for at least five minutes before our brain blows out the top of our head. (Oh, is that just me?) Rules and regulations at most jobs have become overwhelming and the rules and regulations for our personal lives seems to have ramped up as well. This leads to brains that never get to shut down and as we leave a few things done each day, the stack of things left to do grows exponentially.
I am as guilty as anyone else. I often have a to do list that has only a fraction of the items marked off at the end of the day. But things get in the way such as unexpected events at work, soccer practice, dinner, homework, leaky faucets, errands, etc. The list could go on for days and still not cover everything that comes up.
This leads to what I call future thinking. Some time in the future I will be happy.
- When I get that raise I will be happy.
- When I have a baby I will be happy.
- When I buy a house I will be happy.
- When I get to travel I will be happy.
- When I get to retire I will be happy.
When I die I will be happy. YIKES!!!
- When I _________ I will be happy.
(You can fill in the blank.)
You see where this is going? Indefinite deference. Always pushing our happiness to some distance time in the future. Why is it that total, true happiness never seems to arrive with said event?
Instead, we always seem to set a new date for our future happiness.
As long as we think that way, allowing our emotions to be controlled by outside sources and events, then we will never be happy. This is because happiness comes from the inside, not out.
Now, you may be sitting there right now feeling self righteous because you think this does not apply to you. Neither did I – until my father pointed it out one day. I was going on about some insignificant thing that was in the way of my life being desirable and he said, “Angela, you are going to wish your life away.” I argued with him at the time and vehemently denied that I was doing such a thing. But later I reflected on our conversation and realize that was EXACTLY what I was doing.
In this day of rising minimalism, I totally agree that we should all learn how to say “no” and have fewer commitments on our plates. We should definitely scale back our possessions, our responsibilities (if possible), and our stress. But there are a few things we should never neglect and sometime it helps to prioritize these things to help us get a better perspective in life.
In fact, I think indefinite deference is a great thing for most of the busyness in our lives. The key, I believe, is picking the things that should never be deferred and then not worrying about the rest.
For instance, some people turn around one day and find it’s time to retire, but they have neglected to build a retirement fund. Even worse is when the children grow up and move away and you suddenly realize you never made that quality time for them. Indefinite deference can sneak up on you faster than you think.
Four Things You Should Never Defer (a.k.a. THE ANSWER TO HAPPINESS)
- Retirement & Savings
- Health & Well-Being
- Time With Loved Ones
- Permission To Be Happy Each Day
Deferring these four areas can all have grave consequences, especially down the road. In fact, if you take care of these four things, the rest of your life will more or less take care of itself. So it makes sense to put all of your energy here.
If an item on your to do list doesn’t tick one of these four boxes, then let it go. But NEVER defer these areas in your life and you will have the recipe for a happy, prosperous life.
In the words of the simplistically wise Winnie the Pooh, “I am not lost, for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.”
We should all give ourselves permission to be happy. Right now. This very second. Go ahead. I give you permission too.
In my mind there have always been two types of people: minivan drivers and non-minivan drivers.
Please don’t misunderstand me here. Some of my best friends drive minivans. And they love them. And I love those friends.
I, on the other hand, somehow got it in my mind over the years that a minivan equaled a life without excitement and a lack of self image (cough, cough….others thinking you were uncool.)
You see, we are all conditioned to have certain preconceived notions. This is no one’s fault, really. It just comes with growing up and living in a household, community and culture. And in many ways it is a good thing. It helps us find and bond with kindred spirits (i.e. friends and soul mates) with whom we have things in common. These are the people who you often feel most comfortable with.
But on the flip side of that, it also causes biases that don’t often serve us well in life. And it definitely doesn’t help us be a good minimalist.
Sometimes we have difficulty moving from one phase of our life to the next and that holds us back from cleaning the clutter from our lives. For example, I held on to clothes from my 20’s and later from my 30’s because I still saw myself as the cool, hip girl. Never mind the fact that I was no longer actually wearing most of them. Because (a) they were still in my possession, and (b) I MIGHT wear them SOMEDAY.
Would it surprise you to learn that never happened?
Me neither, looking back at it now.
But there are three things about this type of situation that seem to always hold us back, no matter how long we have been a minimalist:
- Holding on to memories. Lots of people have garages or attics full of memories, and let me tell you those memories can take up a gigantic amount of space. Now, I never advocate for getting rid of sentimental items that you can never replace (or that you actually use). I am talking about sports equipment for sports you no longer like. Or old furniture that you know will never be used again. If you don’t use it, lose it. You can always take a picture that will last forever. Maybe you enjoyed that certain activity in college but if that is not you anymore, then it is okay to move those items out of your life. Make a scrapbook with pictures of these items and send them on to someone who can and will use them.
- Fearing the next stage. This is definitely where I landed with the minivan. I still thought of myself as the snazzy dresser who attended interesting cultural events and saw the hottest bands in concert. (How would it look if I pulled up to see Foo Fighters in a minivan?) If I wasn’t that cool and happening person anymore, then who was I? Can you say identify crises?
- Caring what other people think. This holds most people back in all aspects in life, sometimes without us even realizing it. This was definitely happening to me. But one day something happened and I suddenly JUST DID NOT CARE ANYMORE. It suddenly made more sense for everyone to travel in comfort than for me to look “cool” – whatever that even means.
So the day we purchased a minivan I knew it was the right choice. I then used it to haul multiple loads of extra stuff away from my house and to a place where others could benefit from it. I hate to admit it, but this included some clothing and other items from my “cool” days.
How To See the Light
You see, we are all constantly changing and becoming a better version of ourselves, and with this wisdom comes a few points that we all need reminding of sometimes:
- It’s okay to evolve as a person.
- People who love you will still love you.
- People who don’t like you will still not like you.
- There’s no need to impress strangers (or your neighbors, your college ex-roommate, etc.)
And yes, buying a minivan added another vehicle to our driveway, but that is okay because it simplified our lives in other ways. It is now our go to vehicle for trips of any length, and therefore, stays loaded with most items we will need. It also carries all sports equipment and lawn chairs for practices, among other things.
It saves us so much time in planning and physically loading (and unloading) items that it was well worth the purchase.
And looking back now, I can see where our lives could have been much simpler for several years now if I had made the right decision – although my hubby was my partner in crime on that one.
So when working to simplify your life, make sure you look at what serves you best and gives you the most joyful life possible – regardless of what your ego says about your self image.
A few years ago I realized I had a BIG problem.
I was at the beach with my family, and as always, I was looking for something exciting to do. You know, I wanted to tour some historical location or find some quaint little antique shop to peruse or maybe look for an amusement park….anything besides sitting aimlessly on the beach staring out into the horizon for hours. I couldn’t imagine just sitting there being unproductive for a whole day. My brain was relentlessly going over all the reasons that would be a waste of time, boring, and generally NOT fun…….when it hit me.
I had become one of THOSE people!
Somehow I had lost the ability to feel happy and content in silence and tranquility, but instead needed constant entertainment and input. And even worse, I felt like this type of down time was unproductive and wasteful. Now, this truly sneaked up on me because I have always been the type to put down my phone and turn off other electronics. I consciously revel in my alone time.
So I was completely overwhelmed when I realized I lost the ability to enjoy the simplest joys in life – quiet, uncomplicated time that allowed my body and brain to completely rest.
After all, there are many ways to fill our minds and time, right?
Consider this quote from Psychology Today titled “Flooding Your Brain’s Engine: How You Can Have Too Much of a Good Thing” by Joanne Cantor, Ph.D:
“According to a recent international poll by LexisNexis, workers around the world are increasingly overwhelmed by the amount of information they have to manage, and information overload is widely seen as a growing threat to workplace productivity.”
So here’s the problem: We live in a world of constant input. We have gone from a slower, more natural pace of life that evolved around the seasons and agriculture to a life that is always switched on.
Many elements of our modern life have contributed to this shift, but here are the main offenders:
- the Internet
- 24 hour television stations
- 24 hour stores
I remember when I was young (which wasn’t THAT long ago) and most stores closed on Sundays….or at least kept shorter hours. In fact, I actually remember when Wal-Mart used to close. Sounds strange now, doesn’t it? (What I can’t get dog treats after 10:00 pm????)
We are used to getting what we want, when we want it. This has caused our addiction to instant gratification. No one has to actually wait for anything now.
Want to watch a movie? Boom……it takes than less than a minute to find it on Netflix or Amazon Prime. How about reading a new book? Download it in about 30 seconds on your Kindle. Or music. No wonder we are all so spoiled and entitled.
And with this comes the need to be the coolest, hippest person in any room. So you try to ready EVERY new best seller-book, and watch EVERY discussion-worthy movie, try EVERY fashionable new recipe, and try to fit in EVERY attraction on vacation so you don’t feel like you are missing something….etc, etc., etc……
Which leads me to the next problem……
How and When to Turn Off the Noise
Let’s be honest. The world of constant input has become our “normal” now. Even those of us young enough to remember a slower life are now acclimated to the constant barrage of information that is currently our world.
So when should we turn it off?
Every chance we get!
I used to mindlessly come home and immediately turn on the television or radio for “background” noise. But why? Because that was my normal. Is that your normal, too?
Here are some ways to cut out some of the noise in your life and also find ways to do nothing and rest your brain.
- Place a small fountain in your living/family room and use it instead of turning on television/music.
- Open windows and listen to the sounds of nature.
- Turn on low, calming music such as classical or slow jazz (instead of other music).
- Sit on your front porch with a cup of tea or coffee (we installed an outdoor fan so we could do this more often).
- Sit outside at night and watch the stars.
- Go on vacation and purposefully plan time to do nothing except sit on the balcony.
- Don’t put a television or radio in your camper.
- Turn off the radio in your vehicle and just listen to the lulling sounds of the road.
Science has proved that resting our minds and bodies gains more productivity in the long run, so there is your excuse to try all of the above.
How To Find the Joy in Doing Nothing
Okay, you now have a list of ways to do nothing, but how do you learn to enjoy it (instead of constantly thinking about things you could or should be doing)?
This one is simple: Give yourself permission to do so.
It is amazing how simply and easily this works. When I told myself it was perfect and natural to want to some down time and it didn’t matter if I didn’t see every attraction while on vacation, my trip immediately got better. The pressure was off and my time was now mine. I was in complete control of my vacation and no longer felt the urge to cover as much ground as possible while on vacation lest my time and energy be ill spent.
It was so liberating that I wondered why I hadn’t given myself this gift before then. But I guess it all boils down to sometimes not seeing the simplest solutions for our lives.
When we talk about minimalism and removing the clutter from our lives, we can easily forget about the things we can’t see. Giving yourself this permission is also giving yourself love on the most basic level.
And love is like money, you need to give to yourself first. When you love yourself, you have abundant love to give to others.
Things in life can easily sneak up on you. I think most responsible adults know this. But the thing that steals your joy most often can be a real trickster. And no one is too young or old to learn the lesson below, so please read it, use it and pass it on.
I just learned this lesson that I must say keeps popping up over and over in my life. No matter how many times I “discover” this answer to all bad things in my life, it seems I must go down that road again.
Let me explain.
Yesterday was Easter and we (my husband, children and myself) attended church with my mother in law and extended family rather than going to our regular church, which just five minutes (or less) down the road. This church is much like home to me, since my husband grew up there and we have attended it for several years (off and on) while we have been married.
The service was lovely with a mixture of candlelight, spoken parts and musical performances. Everyone was well dressed and cordial. The coffee and donuts during intermission were fresh and tasty. But yet something did not feel right.
Somehow sitting among my family members and friends while holding my baby niece did not give me the peace I was expecting. It was a beautiful, sunny day and all was right in my world, so why did I feel anything other than peace?
Then, somewhere between pastor’s words and my niece plunging her new teeth into my hand, I had a revelation:
I still held bad feeling toward certain people in my life.
There is was. Plain as the nose on my face. In fact, some of the those people were sitting in church with me at that very moment.
Now, let me insert here that I thought I had wiped the slate clean and forgiven everyone in my life for every wrong (or perceived wrong) they had ever sent my way.
Then, a few years later I did it again.
Was there a third time? Hmmm………..
Anyway, while sitting in church I realized two things:
- I had not truly thought of everyone I needed to forgive. I needed to put in more effort and not forgive people in small batches, but forgive everyone. Even those I felt did not “deserve” it.
- Forgiveness is an ongoing thing.
- People are usually not against you, they are just for themselves. Just trying to survive, nothing personal.
So I made the decision to look around the church and make a mental inventory of every person I needed to forgive, then I did just that. I opened my heart and gave the forgiveness and love that was needed to make me feel harmonious.
The people who received my forgiveness never knew the difference. They felt no different after my epiphany. But I felt like a new person. In fact, the weight of the world lifted from me while I sat in that padded seat.
So here is my question to you: Do you need to grant forgiveness to people in your life?
If so, don’t follow the same misguided path as me.
Instead, make a list of every single person you have ever had a negative feeling toward. (Yes, even the stranger who skipped line at Starbucks this morning.) Take a couple days to compile this list if needed, because you want it to be complete.
Then, sit down and make the deliberate decision to forgive every one of them. And don’t just say it. Really mean it. Forgive every person for being human and not being perfect.
Sometimes it can be difficult to forgive people when they have done heinous things to you. When that happens, try to imagine them as a little baby that has not yet faced the trials of life that build up over time and cause people to mistreat others. Or imagine them in their underwear. Whatever it takes to grant them the forgiveness and you the serenity that you need.
Because you need this.
When you talk of simplifying our lives and minimalism, there is nothing better to throw in the trash than resentments and other bad feelings towards others.
I had this in my life and didn’t even see it right in front of my face. Could you be doing the same? Don’t let this be the thing that steals your joy.
Today I would like to talk about having no self control and no limits.
(Heads-up: I don’t usually write posts this long, but this one just kept growing!)
This is reality of most people in our modern society, but it has happened so slowly that most people don’t even realize it. People have no self control and no limits and, although that sounds a lot like freedom, it is really misery.
Why? Well, here is at least part of it…..
There is too much noise in our would today, and it drowns out all the important things we need to learn to be happy and instead elevates the worst things in this world.
Just think about how much media/water cooler attention is given to a school shooter or serial killer. Or Youtube videos/television shows where people are acting badly.
Now, think about how much media time is given to stories or people helping other people. Or people doing good deeds for mankind.
It’s all about ratings. And money. Which translates to greed. But I digress…..
But just think about it: We can now buy almost anything imaginable 24 hours a day online (no waiting ever). Most brick and mortar stores are now open on Sundays (no waiting till Monday).
Not only can we shop all the time, but we can also:
- Spend all we want via credit cards
- Eat all we want from 24 hour restaurants
- Download unlimited books online and never have to wait for the library to open
- Download unlimited music and never have to walk into a music store again
- See unlimited amounts of advertisements that trick us into “needing” whatever they are selling
- Change careers a gazillion times because it’s so easy to get student loans
- Have as many partners/relationships as we want because no value is placed on loyalty or stability
- Get married/divorced as many times as we want because there are no consequences
- Try to be an expert at EVERYTHING so people will think we are impressive and cool
- Have a greedy, self-interested attitude and be popular for it
- Have so many choices for EVERYTHING that our heads explode!
Nothing in the above list supports setting limits in any way. In American society especially, individuals are encouraged to do whatever feels good or makes them happy, with little or no concern with the impact on those around them or society as a whole.
Hence, we have Jerry Springer type shows and people who complain about having to step over homeless people to get to their six figure jobs.
Is it just me, or is our current mode of operation NOT WORKING?
It seems like we are inundated with limitless amounts of everyone else’s problems on a daily basis because we are all so “connected” by social media and and the greater media in general. However, this is a very superficial sort of connected-ness.
I would like to offer an alternaitve way to live. I know many people are already promoting the idea of leaving social media and unplugging the devices, which is obviously the first step. But I would like to offer a few other suggestions:
1. It’s okay to have some secrets.
You don’t have to tell EVERYONE EVERYTHING that happens in your life. I truly believe the first step to gaining some self control would be to stop believing you have to tell the world all of your personal business and air every bad thing that has ever happened to you.
In this post Phil Donahue and Oprah Whinfrey world we now know that telling the country every personal secret you have will not solve your problems. If it did, antidepressants would be a thing of the past by now.
2. Consider how your actions will impact others.
This does not mean you should give away all of your money and live a deprived life. It does mean think about how your decisions today might affect your children tomorrow. Or the world.
Some people seem to think that as long as they do some recycling they can basically do anything else they want with their lives. Family responsibilities seem to be a thing of the past in many communities.
For example, the number of grandparents who are raising their grandchildren is staggering. Occasionally, this is due to parents passing away or being ill. I’m sure there are other legitimate reasons as well.
However, when parents consciously leave their children to be raised by grandparents because they simply do not want to do that, there is only one word for that: SHAMEFUL. There was a time when there was lots of stigma attached to not taking care of your family responsibilities. Apparently, those times are gone. I propose we bring those times back.
On a simpler not, If you have a loved one in need, go see them. Call them on the phone. Don’t just send a text or like their latest post on Facebook. Show them you care enough to give them some of your valuable time. Nothing shows love and caring more.
The same goes for your children. Give them your time more than your money. Memories mean more than stuff. Always.
3. Keep your opinion to yourself.
We have become the most opinionated bunch of people on the planet.
Everyone on Facebook and Twitter gives their opinion about everything everyone does. I can’t even imagine being a celebrity these days. I remember when a star recently posted about her young daughter trying a certain food for the first time and many people shamed her for feeding her child that particular food.
What was meant to be the sharing of a sweet family moment with her fans was turned into a shaming session instead. Seriously? Stop the negativity.
When I was young we were often told to “hold your tongue” or “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. This is some of the best free advice you will ever hear.
4. Concentrate on ways to help others.
The people on this planet have had a monumental shift in how they view helping others. I truly believe that the United States is the worst offender. Yes, there are still people who frequently help others in this country, but the overall feeling of community and helping those in needs for the sake of helping has greatly diminished.
Our world is about ME, ME, ME!
You know the saying, “Whoever dies with the most toys wins”? That seems to be the American motto more and more these days. Hence, the shrinking of the middle class. The super rich are controlling the way money moves, both in and out of our country. This has forced many to either become savvy and join the super rich, or fall behind and become part of the growing poor population.
Greed has never been attractive on anyone. I don’t care what the situation.
Celebrate kindness in your circle and your world.
5. Give yourself some quiet time.
This is crucial in our modern world. Give yourself quiet time each and every day. If you are not into mediation, then turn the music off in your car while driving to work. Or have lunch by yourself in your office with all electronics off and a table top water fountain running.
Any way you can find to shut off the noise is effective at clearing your mind and allowing you to be more peaceful.
Your brain needs to rest, just like your body.
6. Guard your time and thoughts.
Examine your principles and morals. Don’t let everything you stand for be swept away by all the noise in the world. Many people’s principles and morals have changed with the times.
If these are so wishy-washy that they change with the times, then I don’t believe them to be true principles and morals. They shouldn’t be like manners, which do change with society. (Although I could also make an argument for bringing some of those back, too!)
Also, be aware of your thoughts and make sure you are not absorbing any of the “me, me, me” thoughts that are out there. In fact, feel free to imagine how you look to those around you and decide if you like the image you present to others.
And if you really want to be truly avant-garde and stand out in a crowd, then bring back things like caring, honesty, integrity, and honor.
7. Find ways to set limits and teach self control to your children.
Things are already out of hand with this generation, so let’s find ways to reel things back in. Teach your children that it’s okay to guard their time and thoughts, just like an adult. Habits are best formed when we are young, after all.
If you will put all the above into practice with your children, then they are almost guaranteed to have a happier experience than most other kids today.
Get back into nature and find ways to enjoy the world away from all the noise. One day your children will thank you for it.
That’s not news to most people.
We all know that drinking a certain soda will not give you more friends or driving a certain car will not make you happier. (You can be miserable driving a Bugatti.)
So how is it that we all fall prey to a certain amount of their brainwashing?
It is repetitive exposure. They bombard us with a product or campaign over and over until it finally sinks into our brain. For example, how many times have you started to purchase a product or service and went with a company just because you had “heard of it” before?
We feel comfortable doing business with companies we feel we know. That’s why big companies keep getting bigger. We want to use who or what everyone else is using. On some level we feel there is security in numbers. Even in shopping.
But what does this have to do with advertisers lying?
For one thing, advertisers try to sell us things we don’t need. Period.
Here are a few thoughts for consideration:
- You don’t need a new phone (latest model) when yours works fine.
- Your don’t have to get a new car because your sister/friend/neighbor got one.
- Having more “stuff” doesn’t make you the winner.
- Nobody really cares how much your watch/purse/shoes/golf clubs cost.
The bottom line is: More is not better. It’s just more.
In fact, “more” gets a lot of people in trouble. More debt, more stress, etc.
But what does it do to advertisers when we decide to stop buying more of their products? It costs them money, of course. So what do they do in return? Advertisers lie. Some more.
They need us to keep buying so they can keep making money. And they will make you feel left out if you don’t purchase their product. They will pressure you into spending money you shouldn’t.
In my opinion, they really showed how low they could go when they started advertising directly to children. What person can market unhealthy foods and brain dampening toys to little kids and still sleep at night?
Don’t fall prey to their pressure. You are the boss of you. And you know what you need…..and what you don’t.
Don’t clutter you home or your life.