You have found the man of your dreams. He is handsome, smart, great personality, and stable. What more could a girl want?
I’ll tell you what a girl wants…..a commitment!
You want to know that your search is over. You want to feel like your soul mate has arrived and you will never be alone again because he will ALWAYS have your back and be on your side.
Although this is NOT always the case, in most instances this means marriage. Yes, the “M” word.
When I first saw the need to address this topic on my website, I have to admit I was a little puzzled. Commitment phobia is not a huge problem where I come from. People fall in love and get married. That’s just what people do around here. Very few exceptions to this rule.
But obviously it is not the same everywhere.
I think larger, more metropolitan areas seem to have more commitment phobia issues – and it’s not always men. Some women shy away from making a solid commitment as well.
However, we want to focus on the men today. What goes on in a guy’s head that causes him to decide against the security that comes with the final step in commitment? Doesn’t he want you securely attached to him?
Here’s the strange thing. Most people cannot tell you why they do things or feel certain emotions, and guys who won’t commit are no different. When asked point blank, the majority of guys would be clueless. “I just don’t feel the need for the piece of paper” is usually the stock answer.
If you are having a difficult time getting your man to commit, trust me girl, you are not alone! What would make a man not want to marry a girl who worships the very ground he walks on? You might be surprised at some of the reasons.
The thing he DOESN’T need if he is struggling with commitment issues is PRESSURE. That will backfire almost every time. You might finally get him to marry you, but if this is accomplished through force resentment will be the third party in your marriage. This will not get you off to a healthy start. And marriages without a healthy start usually have a miserable end.
We are going to unravel the inner workings of the male mind today. Don’t be alarmed, we can step back into girl-ville when we are finished.
There are as many reasons for not committing as there are guys, but here is a list of the most common ones.
1. He Is Not With the Woman He Sees Himself Growing Old With
Ouch! If you are the girl he’s with, then you need to consider this possibility first. This would be a good time to sort out the details and find out if you are wasting your time on a lost cause. After all, if you are not the one he truly wants for a lifetime, do you really want to be with him?
It’s time for a heart to heart talk. Don’t hold anything back. Tell him EXACTLY what your expectations are and allow him to do the same. This may not be the issue at all, and it will good to know that for sure.
2. He Has Low Self Esteem
It takes a great deal of self esteem and confidence to say,”I love this woman more that anyone on the planet and I am not afraid to tell the world.” What if she dumps him and makes a fool of him? How would he survive that?
Low self esteem covers most of the negative things that most people do in life. Well, that plus fear, which is usually a component of low self esteem. You are probably wondering what in the world that could possibly have to do with his commitment phobia. Well, it’s actually fairly simple when you think about it.
People fear rejection in life. People with low self esteem fear rejection even more. So the best way to avoid rejection is to keep the upper hand and reject the other person first, right? Maybe not totally reject them, don’t want to run them off, but just enough that you can always use the “I didn’t want you anyway” excuse if they ever dump you.
That’s why so many guys have the attitude that consists of:
I will play house with you and possibly even have children. I will make up half of this couple and love you, but I will not get that little piece of paper that tells the world we belong to each other.
Sometimes guys literally don’t want the girl to get that comfortable. Which leads me to the next point.
3. He Is Afraid You Will Turn Into the Scary Wife
Now, you know what the scary wife is. She lets herself go. She stops taking care of herself and soon she looks nothing like the beautiful woman he married. Then she stops acting like the woman he married too. She whines and complains about everything. In the end, he doesn’t want to wonder why he married you.
Girlfriends usually keep themselves up better than wives. That’s what people tend to think, right or wrong.
Guys are sometimes worried about what marriage will turn them into as well. They don’t want to drown in a swamp of marriage responsibilities. It is important for them to remain “cool” by whatever definition they use as part of their male ego. And let’s admit it – lots of married men do not paint a pretty picture of married life. This scares the heck out of unmarried guys. Once the fear of commitment seed is planted, it just continues to grow.
4. He Doesn’t Want To Follow the Bad Examples In His Life
If your man came from a broken home, then there’s a high probability that he has picked up some negative thoughts concerning marriage. Lots of things factor into the amount of negativity he has intertwined into his perceived image of matrimony. His fear of commitment may be so deep seated and subconscious that he cannot easily bring the elements of it to the surface to talk about them.
If he has developed the attitude that all marriages end in divorce, then he will not want to line himself up for that failure. Many men actually believe that marriage ruins perfectly good relationships. The truth is PEOPLE ruin perfectly good relationships, not marriage.
No person wants to be in a bad marriage. And no person wants to live in a home that’s not peaceful and loving. People who grow in homes that are unhappy have not had good role models. They may not know how to constructively work out discord in relationships.
5. He Doesn’t Trust Women
This can have a couple different implications. They may have had experiences in life that contain women who have not been trustworthy. This could be a mother, grandmother, past girlfriend, etc.
On the other hand, this could take a different form. He could be afraid to be vulnerable. Period. Maybe he has a fear of showing any crack in his armor. To him this would equate weakness. And maybe he has had seen
So What’s a Girl To Do?
Actions speak louder than words, but talking is the best way to get started. You need to get to the bottom of the issue and find out exactly why he is shying away from committing to you.
First, you want to explain to him why the commitment is important to you. Dig deep and really make him understand why you need it to feel secure in your relationship and in life.
Next, try to get him to dig deep and explain to you why he feels so strongly about not making that commitment.
Sometimes it is literally helpful to make a pro’s and con’s sheet. Silly as this may seem, it can actually shed light on the situation and help him see the folly of his thinking.
Then you want to address all the possible causes for his hesitancy toward marriage (those listed above) and reassure him about each one. Just hearing you say that you promise not to turn into a scary witch can sometimes make a big difference.
Last, practice what you preach. Show him that you are (and will always be) his faithful, loving companion. Take every opportunity to demonstrate your loyalty to him and your relationship.
Now, this DOES NOT mean let him treat you badly or put up with any type of abuse. However, it DOES mean help him be the best man he can be. It also means help him feel good about himself.
A good place to start with this is 30 Days of Gratitude. This only takes about a minute each day, but it will make a HUGE impact on your relationship. Commitment phobias can be overcome with the help of some deep communication and gratitude for each other.