Need a Wife Guide To Help Navigate The Strange, But Wonderful World of Marriage?
You Have Come To the Right Place…..
How wonderful are men? Can I even list all the ways? And yet they can also be so frustrating! After all, you are from Venus and that guy you live with is from Mars, right? Since we are from different planets, we speak opposite languages and have totally different customs. The simplicity of their lives is overwhelming and confusing to us. (What are they….aliens?)
In fact, our lives seem so complicated that we sometimes have difficulty understanding just how simple theirs can be. They have dynamically changing roles as society strides along, but even then they always seem to roll with it (even when their roles are slightly confusing). To be honest, most of us girls are not quite as flexible as the guys….no matter how much we hate to admit it.
But back to how great they are. There is nothing like a big strong guy putting his arms around you and hugging away all the bad stuff in your life. Just the thought of it makes me want to swoon!
Guys smell tantalizingly musky. They are always a great heat source when you are cold. And even though society says we shouldn’t lend ourselves to overt acts of primal aggression, you know we secretly love it when our guys act overtly male. We just can’t help ourselves.
I always say that I get a a little thrill from just knowing my husband would beat someone to a pulp for me. He doesn’t have to do it to make me happy, but it makes me feel secure knowing he would go to any length to protect me.
Not all husbands (or wives) are the same, but we have multiple common traits that tend to hold true for most of us. This Wife Guide is to help married women navigate the waters of matrimony and give a few pointers. Sometimes it’s great to have neutral advice from an outside party. So let’s talk about your hubby.
The day you married this man, you became his biggest fan (if you weren’t already). This means your job in life is to help him be the best person he can be. This will, in turn, make him the happiest person he can be. It’s the “Wind Beneath My Wings” sort of thing.
Here’s the big thing to understand about men. Other than love, which everyone needs, the two biggest things most men need in life are respect and love. When you understand that your man becomes a whole lot easier to understand. This is not a choice for the male species – they are wired that way. Kind of like how we are wired for monthly inconveniences. We have no choice, and neither do they.
So let’s get started with a few basic tips:
* Never criticize him in front of anyone else (save it for private).
* Always fight fairly (no name calling or saying things you don’t really mean).
* If you cannot talk out disagreements without yelling, then write a letter instead.
* Don’t pretend NOT to be mad at him if you really are. Tell him you are upset but not ready to talk about it yet.
* Don’t always have a headache. If you are not in the mood for sex, tell him the real reason why.
* Don’t play games of any kind. Be up front and honest.
* Don’t play dumb about things. He knows you’re not.
* Keep your private life private.
1. Never Criticize Him In Front of Anyone Else
Criticism that is not constructive or offered with love will tear a man down like nothing else. If you choose to criticize him in front of others it will have varying degrees of damage on your marriage. Your children should definitely not hear overt criticizm of their father. After all, they need to respect him as much as he needs them to. He can’t be a good role model if he is being torn down in front of them, and you can’t be a good role model if you are the one tearing him down. Everyone in your home needs to expect, receive, and model respect.
This does not mean you should attempt to convince your children that he is perfect. Instead, they should see you using constructive criticism to lovingly help each other. This should only be done occasionally in front of the children. Most discussions of this type should be saved for private moments between the two of you.
Your hubby’s friends are his link to how cool he is. They are the thing he uses to measure how he stands up to other guys. If you tear him down in front of them, then his stock goes way down in their eyes. His embarrassment is not short lived either. Guys NEVER stop ragging each other once they get something on them, so don’t give them fuel. Even if he has the kind of friends who don’t verbally rib each other, he will still feel the cut from your negative words in front of them. So keep it between the two of you where it should stay.
2. Always Fight Fairly
Don’t let your mouth work faster than your brain. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN control what comes out of your mouth when you are angry. Plus, when you start working out your issues, there will not be as much to argue about anymore (if you learn not to pop off) and you will begin to be less angry when you do argue.
Never call your spouse names when you argue. What purpose does that actually serve anyway? It certainly doesn’t work out any of your issues. When you call your spouse names, you are taking a fire and throwing gasoline on it. It might feel good to “get back at them” at the moment, but it serves no purpose in the longevity of your relationship. You have to give respect in order to get it, remember? So don’t use a disagreement as an excuse to tear your man down.
Don’t say “you always” or “you never”. Nobody “always” or “never” does anything. Rephrase it like this: It upsets me when you __________.” Then explain why that upsets you. Do this calmly without raising your voice. Count to ten if you have to, but get it out without spite or sarcasm in your voice. You will find this to be much more effective because he will actually LISTEN to you instead of tuning you out.
3. If You Cannot Talk Out Disagreements Without Yelling, Then Write a Letter Instead.
You MUST learn to communicate in one way or another if you want your relationship to survive and thrive. If it is impossible for the two of you to communicate and work out issues any other way, then try writing letters instead. It gives you time to work out exactly what you want to say. It also allows the other person to read what you write and really consider it. During most heated arguments both sides are not really listening but formulating their own next response. This is NEVER productive.
Also, sometimes it is difficult to say the hard stuff out loud. Putting pen to paper or even printing a letter off the computer sometimes makes it easier to say the things you really feel deep inside. If you want to really know the person you live with, then you need to truly know each other on that level.
4. Don’t Pretend NOT To Be Mad At Him If You Really Are. Tell Him You Are Upset But Not Ready To Talk About It Yet.
I am a GIRL, and it makes ME mad when other girls do this! Playing games is SO SILLY! I always say what I mean and my husband appreciates that tremendously. Our arguments are usually productive (mostly because we follow the advice I am giving here).
We are trained from an early age to treat men like the “enemy” any time we are upset with them, but this really serves no good purpose at all. In fact, it is much better to say you are upset but just not ready to discuss the issues yet. Most guys will respect this answer much more than the silent treatment with no explanation.
I have heard countless people (including my own mother) brag about how they treat their husbands to get what they want. Guys are NOT THE ENEMY! We need them! Humans would cease to exist without them! I would personally be miserable without them.
So don’t treat your guy like he’s an idiot. If you are walking around the house mad at him, he knows it. Don’t tell him you are not mad. You are only insulting his intelligence. If you truly cannot talk about right then, admit you are upset and agree to talk about it later.
5. Don’t Always Have a Headache. If You Are Not In the Mood For Sex, Tell Him the Real Reason Why.
As a girl, I understand the biggest reason why women do not feel like having sex is stress and fatigue. (That’s one reason, not two. They usually go together.)
Men, however, do not understand that. Their ability to engage in and enjoy sex usually has little to do with such things. This is where he needs your help understanding what you are up against. They are not trying to be difficult about it most of the time, they just simply have never been in our shoes. As I mention on the Girls Page (About Those Hunks, they see us as withholding the one thing they need most in life. (And, yes, they do NEED it.) So, of course, that frustrates them.
Maybe you are in the position where he could do more things to help you and relieve some of your stress load. Suggest that if he helped more with dinner, getting the kids in bed, etc. you would not be as tired and would have more energy to expend on him. Make it a straight forward reward system if need be. My husband loves knowing that helping with certain things will get him rewards later. And I am not playing any sort of bad games with him if we both know what’s going on. It’s a win/win situation for both of us.
6. Don’t Play Games Of Any Kind. Be Up Front And Honest.
The reason the above mentioned strategy works is because we are both in on the arrangement and we are both OKAY with it. Most men are goal oriented and will work themselves silly for the carrot at the end of the stick. When he is working for you, then he will be even more motivated.
But let me be clear about one point. It is only okay to play little games when both sides are being honest. You never want to deceive your partner in any way. This will only come back to haunt you later.
I make it a rule never to play any type of game with my husband unless he is in on it. I don’t enjoy being on the receiving end of any type of mind games, and I know he doesn’t either. The golden rule still applies: Treat others as you want to be treated. I always ask myself when I start to do something: How would I feel if HE did this? Then I make my decision accordingly.
7. Don’t Play Dumb About Things. He Knows You’re Not.
I have heard so many guys complain about this. And it encompasses many different things. Don’t act dingy (unless you really are and it’s not an act). Also, don’t move his things and act like you don’t know where they are. Don’t spend money from your joint bank account and then act like you don’t know where it went. Don’t drive your car on empty and then act like you don’t know why the fuel pump died. Own up to the things you do and he will respect you for it.
This ties in with lying to your spouse, which we don’t really need to cover here because we are all adults and that goes without saying.
8. Keep Your Private Life Private.
Telling your friends and family private things about your marriage can get you into so much trouble I don’t even know where to start. Here is the bottom line: Your husband learns not to trust you. Let me state that again: YOUR HUSBAND LEARNS NOT TO TRUST YOU! And that, girlfriend, is a miserable place to be in life.
The whole basis of your relationship should be about trust. You want to know the person you live with and love always has your back. You want to trust them with any and everything. You want him to always be on your side. He wants the same thing.
So if he has personal baggage in his life, don’t tell your family about it. If he has an issue in the bedroom, don’t tell go blabbing to girlfriends on girls’ night out. Don’t ever make him out to be a joke. His problems are not funny. If it is not something that bothers you, then don’t talk about it at all to anyone. If he has issues are bothering you and you need to talk about it, then that is perfectly okay. But the key is discretion. Pick one close friend that you know you can trust completely and talk to only them about deeply personal topics. Telling ten people will not make you feel any better than telling just one person anyway.
Your husband will appreciate your thoughtfulness and discretion. And you will never have to worry about any of the messy stuff coming back to haunt you or your marriage.
So learn to keep a secret!
If you are interested in revamping your relationship with your husband, a good place to start is with 30 Days of Gratitude. It takes just a minute or two each day, but it will make a huge impact on your relationship.
Here are some other resources you will find helpful:
50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships was written by Michael Webb (as seen on the Oprah Winfrey Show and other media outlets) and is designed to bring couples closer than they ever thought possible. This e-book reveals tactics that are proven to work for couples who have long, happy, successful relationships.
1000 Questions For Couples is the most comprehensive communication tool out there. If you want to understand and know your partner on the most intimate level, then this e-book is for you. You can literally print it off, put it on your shelf, and use it for decades to come. It never goes out of style or becomes outdated. It’s an overall great value.
If you are suffering from a break up or divorce and need a step by step plan to get your husband back, please visit The Magic of Making Up.
Hope this wife guide has given you some useful information. If this article has helped you at all, please help a girl out and “like” it below or share it. Thanks!
by Angela Christian Pope @ ModernRelationship.org.